This I believe Essay-Take Two

Playing the Percentages

Did you know that 99% of all relationships do not work out?  It’s true.  For some people that number even jumps to 100%.  Sucks for them—apparently they didn’t get the memo.  Or perhaps they got the memo all too clear.  Relationships are overrated. 

            I remember my first girlfriend.  It lasted all of one day.  She sent a friend over to ask me out.  “Hey, Matt!  Stacy really likes you.  She thinks you’re cute and wants to know if you’ll go out with her.”  Thinking back now, I realize how lame I was.  But I responded with an emphatic yes; after all, when it’s your first girlfriend, you can’t be too picky—even if she did have the most annoying voice ever.  Seriously, her dog, Fritz, would agree with me.  Fritz only came when called so that she wouldn’t continue to call.  Needless to say, I was grateful she asked me out through one of her girlfriends whose voice bordered on tolerable. 

            I was in 6^th grade and my relationship began during 4^th period lunch.  By 8^th period I was once again single.  At least she had the mercy to break up with me through a note, which was short, sweet, and very much lacking the high pitched tone of her nightmarish voice. 

            This was to be the first of many doomed relationships.  A short time later I experienced my first kiss with a girl I dated for an entire week.  You gotta hand it to God—he creates the universe in a week. All I can come up with is a kiss and a brutal break up. 

            But these are the experiences that have transformed me into the man I am today.  I am called a cynic by some and jaded by others.  But the undeniable fact is that relationships are a joke.  Don’t get me wrong; I love girls.  Like I said, you gotta hand it to God.  He knew what he was doing.  But the whole relationship part…well, we screwed that up ourselves. 

            I have had what I consider three major relationships in my life.  My first was while I was in college.  Sarah.  She no longer speaks to me.  This is not because I am the jerk that I tend to claim to be.  Her reasoning: she moved across the state and met someone and wanted to make sure she got over me.  So she cut all lines of communication.  Nice.  That one was worth the time. 

            Strikingly similar was my second major relationship.  This one was post-college.  Abbey.  She was finishing up college as a fifth year senior while I had been out for two years.  We made it work for a while, but the distance put a strain on the relationship.  We mutually decided it would be best to take a break until she was done with college so we would not have to deal with the distance. 

            A short time later she met a guy who was still in school and he did not want her to speak to me anymore.  She agreed.  As I have clearly demonstrated my belief in God and his greatness, I think it is only apt that I likewise admit to the existence of the Devil and his cruelty.  Where do I see it?  Relationships.  The devil and girls.  Who woulda guessed it. 

            I just got out of the third relationship recently.  A good year and a half with her ended in one day.  So here I am.  An older, wiser man.  I haven’t lost sight of the truth.  I see that there is only one relationship that will ever work out: the relationship that ends in marriage.  I repeat—the relationship.    Singular.  One relationship out of all of ‘em.  For those keeping track out there…that would be 1%.  Could it be any clearer?  Relationships suck.  They always have and always will. 

            People will argue that you learn and grow from failed relationships.  Great—make that argument.  I have grown.  I have grown to be less trusting of girls and to open up as little as possible when talking with a girl.  And yes, I have learned.  I have learned that relationships don’t have much going for them.  You want companionship outside of marriage?  Get a dog.  I did.  We watched a movie last night.  You want to be able to have a conversation outside of marriage?  Buy a parrot and teach it to speak.

            Someday I might get married.  If not, I think I’ll survive.  I will say one thing though.  Statistics say that one out of every two marriages end in divorce.  If and when I get married, I’m only gonna do it once.  Because even though it’s only 1% of relationships that work out…I am looking forward to that 1%.  I’ll take my time and when it comes I’ll make sure it is right.  Let me leave it at this: I love girls.  I abhor relationships.  You are too young to understand the futility of relationships.  So heed my belief and know it for truth.